I was very disappointed to be sent off to battle at this time for many reasons. Not least because I was in the middle of fixing some plumbing when I was told that I must leave immediately now I have left the house in a terrible state with no water and bits of pipes all over the place. Though I will admit it was a mistake to take the plumbing apart in the first place as I had never even seen pipes until then and had assumed that water coming out of the tap was due to witchcraft and hamsters running an wheels.
My next grievance was that not only was I sent to war, but I was the ONLY one sent to war and let me tell you those armoured vehicles are quite lonely by yourself, especially when your sitting in the back waiting for a non existent driver. So I had to get out and walk the 30 mile journey from the airstrip to the camp. At lest that's where I thought I was headed. I arrived in a holiday resort in the costa del sol in my full gear surrounded by many confused, angry and scared holidaymakers. Why was I sent somewhere where there was no war?
I write this letter from a hotel room that I had to pay for myself by pawning my gun in a local shop so I do hope you will reimburse me for this in the form of coupons for show polish. If this trip has thought me anything its that you can never have enough show polish and also that the worlds largest ball of string isn't actually that big.
I will now end my letter by saying I wish to see you when I get back to discuss what happened here. I'l bring potato salad if you provide the cold cuts.
Regards
Private C. Wellsbetter
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